MATCH MAKER


Walking up the gravel path to the old wooden door,talking and laughing can be heard.

I slowly put the key into that old lock of a door which as seen many a tale, very slowly I push the door open and look into the empty room. There's no-one here.

Desks filling cabinets and all the other stuff is here, but the talking were has it gone.

I SIP my coffee and start to pull the files out one by one, as I start to read, the chatting returns I then understand, it becomes so clear its all the ladies and gentleman talking to me.

There's one person who makes all these people realize there is love and happiness just one person in this big old world doing her thing, making a difference and that's my dear friend Katie.

I WONDER HOW NANNY'S FIRST DAY IN HEAVEN WENT.


As I drive to work one evening I notice the moon running along side me trying to keep up.

Shining really brightly to make sure I arrive safely.

As I open my car door the long cold fingers wrap themselves around me and the warmth I was in disappears, my checks and nose go cold my face tight with the coldness and my eyes saw and tired.

I trundle along feeling quite sad, lonely all most, but not really realizing I have no reason to be.

I feel so selfish you have gone, I just want it to be how it was, how its always been, you always there, wear no invertation was needed and your door always open.

I'm trying to explain to a child not always sure I'm saying the right words.

I know your safe, and I know your happy, and I will have to rezine myself knowing are paths will meet again, and I know you have taken my love with you.

What hides behind the mask.

When looking into a mirror I stare at the person who can been seen, my eyes go so deep in things I have seen locked away for only me.

Seeing my hair grow grey no-sees them but me, how strange he says you don't look any older than the day I meet you, how sweet,but it doesn't make me feel any different.

I still feel the same, tired so very tired is this how its always going to be.

I want time for me, to catch up with my thoughts my feelings I as a mother have put aside, as there is always something else to be done, but never for me.

I hide behind the smile that appears when a friend comes to the door. If only you knew how I really feel about me.

If you only new what I've seen what I hide deep inside me.

Hand bags under my eyes they never used to be there, of course they are designer hand bags.

I yearn for peace and just him and I and nothing to do, nothing to be done on a time table.

I will feel good about me again, I wont give up that's to easy and my feelings about things wont beat me, I will regain my sparkle just you wait and see.

All these things I gave up when I became a mother no one gave me a book to read, I don't think I would of read it would you.

Autumn

Saturday morning, the darker the mornings the more I want to stay in my huge bed all snuggled up warm.

I get bought a cup of tea and look at the magazines a friend had given to me.

I look out of the window and see the tree's moving, I love to hear the tree's move in the wind, so I open the window and jump back in my comfy place.

I feel the breeze enter my room and it tingles with my skin and makes my hair's stand on end,as it swirls around looking for something to make cold I snuggle even futher in to my bed.

I watch my crystal move which is hanging by the window the colour's it shows of,it always shows a colour I've not seen before.

Gold,cooper,brown,ocher and green

Are all the colour's I see when I look at the tree's, I so love this time of year, I feel the changing of the season's as though I'm a part of it, and it makes me feel warm and secure.

Moving further down into my bed I smell washing powder, my smell.

My nose goes cold but I remain snuggled up and wanting to stay here, I close my eyes and start to fall deeply into my dreams, of flying so high above those old tree's I see everyday.

With the winds strong arm's carrying me to touch the tip's of the leaves which no-one has ever touched.

The wind blowing so fast around me my hair swirls around my face as if in bath of deep water.

The smell of air is so fresh up here, no-one sees me flying it's just me and the feeling is undescriable.

The sound of the movement of the tree's altogether reminds me of being by the sea,and the crashing of the waves.

I open my eyes and see the ceiling fan above me, my nose still cold like my tea.

Yes I love the autumn.

My life

Thank you

Why is it when you watch a film which has really happened makes you realise you really didn't say thank you to the people that really did count.

Jay had a bike crash some years ago but to me it was only yesterday, I couldn't believe I was the one who had the knock at the door in the middle of the night.

He's dead isn't he. I don't know came the reply.


I was taken to hospital and arrived before the ambulace, I saw him lying there inside the ambulance face were it shouldn't of been, but I didn't freak it was jay and he was talking, he was so doped up he hadn't released were or what had happened.

Later I was told he had smashed head on into a brick wall at 100 miles per hour. His head had taken the full impact.

Shit......................................................................................................

Well I had to deal with this and so did the doctor's ,surgeon's brain surgeon's, and that's who I didn't really say thank you too.

When your faced with something like that the only thing you really think about is the person who has hurt themselves which is nature I suppose. What if there wasn't anyone who could of put jay back together again, there wasn't ..........


4 days jay lay with his injuries no-one new what to do.......

Robert hensher appeared and started work, jay had many operations and Robert put jays face were it should of been. He was blind in one eye for 2 years put slowly started to come back to life again, and was left with a brain disorder which will always be there to remind him how lucky we all were the day he went and came back to me.

I suppose what I'm saying is the film I watch last night the twin towers, when something as bad as that happened everyone did what they could to help, and people so easily forget that people really do care for each other even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

I just wanted to say thank you

My life

TIME

Seal playing on the radio the world passing so quickly, lorries carrying new cars, street lights being switched on, as the darkness set's in.

Orange flashing lights (who's been naughty then).

Brake lights in front of me people passing on both sides , were are you going, have a great weekend were ever you end up.

Everyone has a different story to tell, why am I so inquisitive, I just want to no.

darkness has come so quickly now, but I can still see people driving still on the phone, hazard lights on the hard shoulder, as I look up the smog in front of me reminds me winter is here, and I can just see the bridge.

Slowing down now people coming to a stand still,(you see the world can slow down sometimes)

Seal still playing show me the way to solve your problems. I wonder if there is such a person with no problems.

I wish to think so.

Dark clouds, but a full moon, I open my window just a little,to be able to smell the dampness in the air, I take a deep breath in and close my eyes how refreshing that smell of the air.
As I open them again the full moon has followed me just to make sure I'm safe.

What beauty, it's full roundness just sitting there with one and only one single shining star underneath it, what pureness, you never look any older I just look at you differently and you always look your best.

My life

COLD

I'm so cold I dip my toe into the warm inviting bath.

As I start to relax I watch the flames on the candles I've lit, I start to smell the warmth of the lavender, and my mind goes back over the hustle and bustle of my week just passed, boy what a week.

I then think about my friends I see them daily and something has always changed from the day before.

I look up and see the moon trying to read my words, I open the window and say good evening.

So dark yet the clouds that pass in front of it look so white, but then changing to black when they have passed by.

I lye back and the water hugs me keeping me warm, I try and think of emptiness, I hear the television from my room, and the dripping of the tap just to keep me from falling asleep and waking up like a prune.

Why do we always seem to get lost in ourselves when looking at a flame, is it the quietness of it or the shier beauty of it.

I think both.

I'm now warm and relaxed.

Lets hope I sleep tonight.

So Simple.

Looking outside into my garden I notice a beautiful butterfly, how strange to see, middle of September, the grass wet and the breeze cold, but the sun so hot.

I watch it as it fly's across to my apple tree, and land on a fallen apple.

It stretches out it's wings lapping up the sun ray's.

Slowly moving around the apple moving it's delicate wings showing off it's radiant colour's of orange,white and black.

Lapping up the sweetness of that fallen apple.

As it sits and I just watch, it closes it's wings and the breeze moves it like a piece of paper,so fragile yet so strong it still sits there.

I believe seeing a single butterfly is bringing a message from someone above and what a fantastic thing to see.

Not wanting to move, I say to myself the ironing can wait,these are the things we need to watch and take in.

And it was in my little world.

Growing so fast

MY BOY.

Have you ever just watched your children,there expressions on their face when they watch the tellie. Something sad or funny. These things will easily be forgotten.

My eldest ran through the kitchen wiggling his bottom and turning round and round to the music which was playing,"mum this song is so cool" those moments when you just have to smile.

Learning how to wink and learning how to whistle. And so very pleased with them selves when they achieved it.

The way that when they are learning to talk they call it a snapodial instead of a crocodile.

These things are just the start, that we easily forget. How much have I forgotten already, I hope nothing.

capture every moment, as they soon drift away and are forgotten.

The Night Before.

He looks at me but says nothing, but his eyes are telling a different story.

I didn't mean to shout,I'm sorry you went to bed early.

Why is it that a person's body language can say more about a person than that person him self.

Is it possible to love someone that much that their pain becomes your pain and there happiness makes your day with one single smile.

Just being able to look at each other and no what their next word is going to be that is spoken.

Making decisions together and trying again when you fail,supporting each other even when sometimes you feel one of you is wrong.

Watching your child's first step and the way you respond when they call your name for the first time.

All of these things are us and I signed up for life,because I'm you and you are me.

Soul mate's forever.

LIKE A CHILD ONCE MORE

As I walk into Nan's room, she's asleep, I sit on the chair by her side , and study her face.

Her now tired and sad skin with every wrinkle could tell a thousand tales, everyone she can remember so clearly, but couldn't tell me what day it was.

She wakes and takes a moment to realize who I'm, she then smiles at me,hello my darling its so lovely to see you.

A nurse comes in and gives her some sandwiches, watching her eat is apparent to me how much like a child she has become once more, how tired she becomes just by eating, holding her cup. She holds her sandwich by the crust's and eats the center,saying to me, that's the crusts that I do leave as I cant chew them , just like a child once more.

I show her a new photo of the boys and her whole face becomes alive every inch of her face is a smile,so proud of her grandson and her grandchildren.

I stand up to get a drink and look in the mirror,as I watch the tears fall down my face, I realize she's not always going to be here, I turn to see she has fallen asleep once more, her breathlessness as she seems to fight for every breath, I leave my kiss on her check and go to leave, I turn and say I love you so much Nan.

She replies I love you to sweetheart.

Eyes

As I look at your photo, I see an older man, now aging and slower.

Even now married with children of my own your eyes stay the same, they still remind me of all the bulling, pain the crying and that horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach, only I as a child only remember so well.

I see my reflection in your aging eyes no one else, why was there no laughing, playing, not feeling scared all the time, was it the pressures of being a parent, or the mundane pressures of everyday life I now no as a parent myself.

As a child I so wish my days could of been different,and now as an adult I remember the those days as if it was yesterday,but reminding myself how sad I feel for you.

that's why I made a promise to myself.

I will never be like you.

The Moon

The Moon.

As I sit in the door way of my house I watch the light fade and the darkness set in.

The birds stop singing and the bats start there evening of a different world.

As I look up the moon stares back at me, it's pure whiteness lights up the sky, no need for street lights, I take a deep breath in and close my eyes the boys shouting has stopped in my ears and I have total stillness in my head,wanting that feeling to stay with me, I draw weary and close the door.

He leaves

I feel him leave our bed, he slowly walk's along the hall trying to get his life less body into motion,just another day the same as every morning.

He thinks I'm asleep but I think when you have children you become the most unsettled sleeper in the house, listening through the wall's that your children are breathing,every movement every cry, every cough, I hear it all.
Of course I'm awake I just have my eyes closed wanting to be able to stay in this warm secure place just a minute longer.

I hear him talk quietly to our son saying everyone's still asleep try and be as quite as a mouse.

He gets dressed, I still say nothing, until he bends over and softly kisses me, I open my eyes and smile at him, I love you.
see you later, I love you too.
Every day the same I wouldn't change it for anything.

The cottage

The Cottage

As I stand and watch the tree through the cottage window I wonder how many times the cottage could tell me how many people have stood in the same spot and done the same thing, I'm lost in my thoughts, only just hearing the radio behind me.

The branches moving in the wind, moves so graceful, the song which is playing almost complements that big old tree as it moves.

Someone starts to talk and I come out of my thoughts, I now see the small square pains of glass in the window, and all I think about is what shall I cook for dinner.

Alone

Alone

Driving back in my car no children in the back, suddenly I pull over and just sit, the radio is on but I don't hear it.

How strange only a few minutes ago there was shouting,laughing,mummy I don't want you to go please stay.

And now nothing,its all gone,what would I have done with my time if I didn't have my darling boys, I ache for moments on my own but all I seem to do is watch the clock yearing to be with them once more.

How will be cope when they have fled.

The Rain

The Rain

I always feel cozy when it rain's.

Watching the rain fall outside is still,
No cars moving a faint sound of a bird, the sound of rain falling harder just to remind us I'm in charge.

It hits the window with its long thin fingers saying you can stay in there but I can still see you, and I'm in control not you and I can stop and start when ever I want to total control.

But look how beautiful I can make things look, statues glassine, puddles different shapes and sizes, cob webs always look so inviting with my diamond rain drops.
So next time it rains, don't think oh no what a miserable day look at the day in a different way,my way.

The Man

He went like he came, didn't see him come and didn't see him leave.

He was alone, one man tent, a table, a stool, and a wind brake.

One morning I watched him, wondering who you were, if you were lonely did you have a family, were you an ex.con!!.

Thick black rimmed glasses, you surfed and you drew, I walked by and you smiled so I stopped, you had drawn by pencil baggy point croyde and it was brilliant, and you told me I way kind to say so.

Never will I no your name, were you were from, were you went, so your just the man with no name./

The Beach

The soft breeze plays with my hair feeling its finger tips over my face, looking across the sea I wonder what secrets lie beneath.

Closing my eye's, smelling the air and listening to what's going on around me, people still chattering,laughing and the faint sounds of music, and how could I forget of course the roaring of the waves.

And also that alone sound in my head, what utter peace that is to me, sitting at the very top of the beach just me and the kindness of the tranquil peace.

Its getting dark but the whiteness of my page is still very clear, across the ocean the pink sky yearns another day, four street lights that's all I can see and five house's on the hill in front of me, someone's got a fire in the sand dunes, the faint sounds of volley ball can still be heard.

Blocking all those sounds out and watching the whiteness of the waves I feel at home here always have and always will.

The real scary part of it all, is that I don't want to go back ,I really don't and when I'm totally on my own I always feel the same. How total selfish and mean I'm, I choose my life no-one told me what to do, it was me.

I can now see the lighthouse light across the sea, warning people not to go near shouting out so loudly across the noise of the sea,STAY AWAY,BEWARE.

Its now ten still warm the laughter, Seals coming in with their surf boards wanting light to come so they can play with the waves once more.

My life

My life: "<< Home "

Well hear goes, i thought this would be a good place to start to write down the things that i think about, then maybe people would understand me a little better, i dont seem to let many people into my world, so iam going to let you read some of my work.

AS HE SLEEPS.

His hair so soft, and skin like slik, his body moves up and down with every breath he makes,oxygen being carried around his tiny body like a steam train, his innocence of being a child, the not knowing, but growing every day , getting stronger and stronger.
Snuggled up on his tummy, bottom in the air, dreaming of happy times that only us as parents can give him.My baby boy Alexander.

well i havent done anything like this so i hope i do it right, i wanted to share some of my feelings and thoughts. so here goes.