MAY.

Her eye's shut her mouth not a word can be heard, I enter her room and sit beside her not knowing this would be the last time, I start to talk to her and she moves her head to tell me I can hear you, please tell me more.

She looked so prity, her hair comed and the smell of lavender all around, snuggled into her pillow she looked so comfy, I looked passed her for a moment and saw a wood pecker on the field outside the window, as i watched it I then relised I had driffed of into my own little world, I looked at her again and said goodbye, I kissed her lips and her skin like slik.

I went home and thought about her I looked up and saw two butterfly's outside my bedroom window they seemed to be telling me something as they bumped into the window.

I new then her journey had started,when i left her one single tear had fallen I new then she had arrived and christeen had taken her mother by the hand

I admire you May I can only hope I will be as strong as you were, loved by everyone like you still are to this day. You are missed everyday and loved more.

Happy Birthday my darling May.

ME.

Don't look at me like Ive done something wrong, what I've said and done I did because I felt trapped and Ive unleased my true feelings, don't put dowt in my mind so I change to your way of thinking, I'am becoming me again, and not just a mum, wife, friend, and if this is the only way of being heard then this is how it will be, and everyone will then no and understand me and alot of other people will say (yes i've been there).

IAM A PERSON TO.

MATCH MAKER


Walking up the gravel path to the old wooden door,talking and laughing can be heard.

I slowly put the key into that old lock of a door which as seen many a tale, very slowly I push the door open and look into the empty room. There's no-one here.

Desks filling cabinets and all the other stuff is here, but the talking were has it gone.

I SIP my coffee and start to pull the files out one by one, as I start to read, the chatting returns I then understand, it becomes so clear its all the ladies and gentleman talking to me.

There's one person who makes all these people realize there is love and happiness just one person in this big old world doing her thing, making a difference and that's my dear friend Katie.

I WONDER HOW NANNY'S FIRST DAY IN HEAVEN WENT.


As I drive to work one evening I notice the moon running along side me trying to keep up.

Shining really brightly to make sure I arrive safely.

As I open my car door the long cold fingers wrap themselves around me and the warmth I was in disappears, my checks and nose go cold my face tight with the coldness and my eyes saw and tired.

I trundle along feeling quite sad, lonely all most, but not really realizing I have no reason to be.

I feel so selfish you have gone, I just want it to be how it was, how its always been, you always there, wear no invertation was needed and your door always open.

I'm trying to explain to a child not always sure I'm saying the right words.

I know your safe, and I know your happy, and I will have to rezine myself knowing are paths will meet again, and I know you have taken my love with you.

What hides behind the mask.

When looking into a mirror I stare at the person who can been seen, my eyes go so deep in things I have seen locked away for only me.

Seeing my hair grow grey no-sees them but me, how strange he says you don't look any older than the day I meet you, how sweet,but it doesn't make me feel any different.

I still feel the same, tired so very tired is this how its always going to be.

I want time for me, to catch up with my thoughts my feelings I as a mother have put aside, as there is always something else to be done, but never for me.

I hide behind the smile that appears when a friend comes to the door. If only you knew how I really feel about me.

If you only new what I've seen what I hide deep inside me.

Hand bags under my eyes they never used to be there, of course they are designer hand bags.

I yearn for peace and just him and I and nothing to do, nothing to be done on a time table.

I will feel good about me again, I wont give up that's to easy and my feelings about things wont beat me, I will regain my sparkle just you wait and see.

All these things I gave up when I became a mother no one gave me a book to read, I don't think I would of read it would you.

Autumn

Saturday morning, the darker the mornings the more I want to stay in my huge bed all snuggled up warm.

I get bought a cup of tea and look at the magazines a friend had given to me.

I look out of the window and see the tree's moving, I love to hear the tree's move in the wind, so I open the window and jump back in my comfy place.

I feel the breeze enter my room and it tingles with my skin and makes my hair's stand on end,as it swirls around looking for something to make cold I snuggle even futher in to my bed.

I watch my crystal move which is hanging by the window the colour's it shows of,it always shows a colour I've not seen before.

Gold,cooper,brown,ocher and green

Are all the colour's I see when I look at the tree's, I so love this time of year, I feel the changing of the season's as though I'm a part of it, and it makes me feel warm and secure.

Moving further down into my bed I smell washing powder, my smell.

My nose goes cold but I remain snuggled up and wanting to stay here, I close my eyes and start to fall deeply into my dreams, of flying so high above those old tree's I see everyday.

With the winds strong arm's carrying me to touch the tip's of the leaves which no-one has ever touched.

The wind blowing so fast around me my hair swirls around my face as if in bath of deep water.

The smell of air is so fresh up here, no-one sees me flying it's just me and the feeling is undescriable.

The sound of the movement of the tree's altogether reminds me of being by the sea,and the crashing of the waves.

I open my eyes and see the ceiling fan above me, my nose still cold like my tea.

Yes I love the autumn.

My life

Thank you

Why is it when you watch a film which has really happened makes you realise you really didn't say thank you to the people that really did count.

Jay had a bike crash some years ago but to me it was only yesterday, I couldn't believe I was the one who had the knock at the door in the middle of the night.

He's dead isn't he. I don't know came the reply.


I was taken to hospital and arrived before the ambulace, I saw him lying there inside the ambulance face were it shouldn't of been, but I didn't freak it was jay and he was talking, he was so doped up he hadn't released were or what had happened.

Later I was told he had smashed head on into a brick wall at 100 miles per hour. His head had taken the full impact.

Shit......................................................................................................

Well I had to deal with this and so did the doctor's ,surgeon's brain surgeon's, and that's who I didn't really say thank you too.

When your faced with something like that the only thing you really think about is the person who has hurt themselves which is nature I suppose. What if there wasn't anyone who could of put jay back together again, there wasn't ..........


4 days jay lay with his injuries no-one new what to do.......

Robert hensher appeared and started work, jay had many operations and Robert put jays face were it should of been. He was blind in one eye for 2 years put slowly started to come back to life again, and was left with a brain disorder which will always be there to remind him how lucky we all were the day he went and came back to me.

I suppose what I'm saying is the film I watch last night the twin towers, when something as bad as that happened everyone did what they could to help, and people so easily forget that people really do care for each other even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it.

I just wanted to say thank you

My life

TIME

Seal playing on the radio the world passing so quickly, lorries carrying new cars, street lights being switched on, as the darkness set's in.

Orange flashing lights (who's been naughty then).

Brake lights in front of me people passing on both sides , were are you going, have a great weekend were ever you end up.

Everyone has a different story to tell, why am I so inquisitive, I just want to no.

darkness has come so quickly now, but I can still see people driving still on the phone, hazard lights on the hard shoulder, as I look up the smog in front of me reminds me winter is here, and I can just see the bridge.

Slowing down now people coming to a stand still,(you see the world can slow down sometimes)

Seal still playing show me the way to solve your problems. I wonder if there is such a person with no problems.

I wish to think so.

Dark clouds, but a full moon, I open my window just a little,to be able to smell the dampness in the air, I take a deep breath in and close my eyes how refreshing that smell of the air.
As I open them again the full moon has followed me just to make sure I'm safe.

What beauty, it's full roundness just sitting there with one and only one single shining star underneath it, what pureness, you never look any older I just look at you differently and you always look your best.

My life

COLD

I'm so cold I dip my toe into the warm inviting bath.

As I start to relax I watch the flames on the candles I've lit, I start to smell the warmth of the lavender, and my mind goes back over the hustle and bustle of my week just passed, boy what a week.

I then think about my friends I see them daily and something has always changed from the day before.

I look up and see the moon trying to read my words, I open the window and say good evening.

So dark yet the clouds that pass in front of it look so white, but then changing to black when they have passed by.

I lye back and the water hugs me keeping me warm, I try and think of emptiness, I hear the television from my room, and the dripping of the tap just to keep me from falling asleep and waking up like a prune.

Why do we always seem to get lost in ourselves when looking at a flame, is it the quietness of it or the shier beauty of it.

I think both.

I'm now warm and relaxed.

Lets hope I sleep tonight.